ending with letting go
Wednesday, Oct. 14, 2009 @ 2:27 p.m.
I called Ex. I knew that if I waited any longer it would have built up too much and overwhelmed me with nerves to the point where I wouldn't have been able to speak with him.
Sooner was better.
I called at 11:30 when I go to lunch. Husband was leaving early and would be home at 12 so I knew that gave me enough time to get this resolved.
Unfortunately when I called he was trying to get out of the door to take an exam and asked if he could call back in 30 minutes. Of course he couldn't that would put me at home with Husband.
I hesitated and stumbled and blurted out that I wanted to end things. He sounded surprised and asked if I could talk in 20 minutes. I said sure and he called back.
I apologized for dumping that on him so suddenly. I said what I've said here- that I thought I could be that kind of girl, that I thought I could keep emotions and sex separate and apparently I couldn't. That I enjoyed everything we've done and I had no regrets but that I need to love the person I have sex with in order to fully enjoy it.
There are many, many other reasons- of greater and lesser importance than the reasons I actually gave him- but what I said was at least a part of the truth and the most succinct and easiest for him to understand.
And he said he understood. That from the beginning he never wanted to come between Husband and I and knew that if it every happened he would take a step back. He said he'd be around for me if I called tomorrow or 6 months from now. That as far as he was concerned I still could call any time. He said that he would not- even just to say hello. That he didn't want to confuse/conflict me and I accepted that with a 'thank you' rather than the (honest) assurance that I am neither confused nor conflicted about the situation any longer.
So while his door remains open mine is firmly shut and at the end of a long, empty corridor.
I don't know if I'll make any more posts here. I have another, more public journal on another site where I name names and post pictures and ramble about my day. I created this journal for the sole purpose of talking about my affair with Ex and now that there is no more affair I don't think I have anything more to say here.
Not even a bit of angst or leftover feelings. I still find Ex fascinating and I think in another life we could have been something strong and great and good. What we were these past few months was none of those things. Just the faint echo of past potential.
Ex is my past as Husband is my present. My future. And for all his faults, he has grown. We have grown. Both up and out together. I cannot say that about anyone else in my life and I do not ever want to.
ending with letting go - Wednesday, Oct. 14, 2009
all fade away - Tuesday, Oct. 13, 2009
never not me - Monday, Oct. 12, 2009
system - Friday, Oct. 09, 2009
Will - Wednesday, Oct. 07, 2009